I’ve seen so many guys approaching girls and acting so nervous it literally pains me to watch. They chase her, they beg her for attention, they stutter, talk at too low a volume, their hands shake, they don’t know what to say, and they even completely avoid eye contact.
You don’t have these problems and insecurities when talking to your friends. You could probably talk for hours about nothing, and have amazing, humorous conversations with them. So why is it that you experience so much fear when talking to an attractive girl? She is just a human being, filled with her own insecurities, fears, and desires.
1. No Expectations
We’ve all heard the cliché that you don’t put a girl on a pedestal. What are you actually thinking about when you are talking to an attractive girl? I admit that sometimes, even often, when I am talking to a girl, all I can think about is ripping off her clothes on my bed and doing all kinds of things to her. And as much as both her and I would enjoy that, I don’t expect it. I don’t need it. I divide myself from the possible future of having this girl in my life. Acknowledge your desires, but don’t attach your identity to any outcome. If she walks away, then it doesn’t matter. It’s her loss.
2. Positive Mindset
My only expectation would be that I expect to find something funny or enjoyable in this interaction. Even if she just walks away, or says something rude, I still frame the interaction in a positive way.
You’ve probably heard of affirmations. Which are statements that tell yourself you are the most awesome badass in the world. The only benefit of affirmations is that they help you rewire your mind to think more positively. The problem with affirmations is that if you tell yourself, “I am the most confident man in the world,” but you don’t have any references that illustrate how you are a confident person, then you won’t believe it. It’s the same as when someone compliments you. Which of these compliments would you rather hear? “You are awesome.” Or “You are awesome because you are great at talking to people and making them feel comfortable, just like when you talked to those girls just now!” You would want to hear the more specific compliment that illustrates exactly why the complimenter believes you are awesome. But what if you don’t have any references that positively illustrate how awesome, confident and natural you are?
Well first you need to focus on the positive. In every social interaction, try to find humor or some interesting aspect. Even if a girl walks away from you, you can remind yourself at least you had the guts to approach her! And start building and focusing on these positive references.
3. Body language affects your emotions.
Most people are so easy to read. The emotions they feel are expressed fluently in their body language. They feel nervous, they squeeze their hands, talk fast, stutter, avoid eye contact and just generally show the world that they are feeling anxious. So obviously, your emotions influence your body language. But conversely, your body language also influences your emotions.
There was an experiment where 2 groups of people were going to go bungee jump. The first group, before jumping, had to maintain a very submissive posture in which they squatted down on the ground with their hands above their head. After holding this position, everyone in this group all needed 6 to 10 minutes to convince themselves to jump. The second group maintained a more dominant and confident stance for 2 minutes prior to jumping, in which they stood with their legs apart, back straight, and their hands up in the air to the sides. A position you might see some athletes display when they win the game. And after holding their confident position, they all jumped within 10 seconds! This confident body language actually increased their testosterone and reduced their stress hormones! That’s science bitch!
So by using confident body language, we actually make ourselves feel more confident. Stand straight, eyes forward, take up space like a dominant male rather than a beta male who lets everyone take space away from him. Observe the body language of confident people and see how much more confident you feel when you do the same things.
4. Slow Down
I remember recently I was coaching a student, and I told him 4 things he could say to a 2 set of very cute Asian girls. Well he spit out each of those 4 comments within the first 30 seconds of his opener and didn’t give them a chance to respond to any of the statements he made! I later explained that if he had slowed down, those suggestions I had given him could easily have become a 5 minute conversation.
However slow you already think you are speaking, slow it down another 50%! Nervous and unconfident people speak quickly. They are worried they will be interrupted. Speak like a boss. A real boss believes everyone will listen to him and would never interrupt him. It sounds much more confident. And…use…pauses. Look at some of Obama’s speeches; he is excellent at the use of dramatic pauses. If you speak slow and confident like that it’s very attractive. This also relates to the previous tip. By slowing down your speaking, you also relax yourself. Your heart rate will slow down. You will feel more calm and natural. Whenever you are talking, make a conscious effort to slow down if you need to.
5. Smile, but not too much.
Smile when you approach, but stop smiling when she is talking to you. Have a skeptical look on your face. Be skeptical of everything she says, and don’t accept it as awesome just because she says it. I see a lot of guys pick up, and smiling too much. Smiling too much says you want her to like her. It says you care what you think about her. And you shouldn’t. It’s annoying.
6. Don’t care what she thinks.
Don’t care if she likes you or not. You have a solid reality and she can’t get into your reality no matter what she says. If she compliments you, ok, thank her for the compliment, but you don’t need her approval to know you are awesome. And in the same way if she says something rude or offensive it, or is just unfriendly, it should just bounce right off of you. You don’t care what she thinks. You don’t need her opinions.
7. Don’t try to attract her.
Just let it happen naturally. A lot of high energy pick up guys look like they are having a lot of fun, but they are just performing. They are performing for her, for themselves, or for the amusement of other guys. As fun as this might look in a YouTube video, it is obvious they are trying to attract her. And that is unattractive to a girl because she knows you are just reacting to her, she knows you want her and are trying to impress her. You don’t need to impress anybody.
8. Listen
Listen to what she says. If you focus on her, you will never run out of things to say. Even if she isn’t saying much, you can comment on her reaction! In a natural conversation you comment on things the other person has said. You shouldn’t be constantly thinking, “Oh shit! What am I going to say next?” When you meet your friends you don’t prepare a list of conversational topics you want to discuss with them, at least not normally.
If you keep jumping topics it will prevent a natural conversation. You could even ask a series of boring questions if you respond to her answers! You ask her name, she tells you, you comment that her name sounds like a boy’s name, or it’s a nice name or whatever, and start talking about names for a minute. You don’t ask her, “What’s your name?” “Ashley” “Where are you from?” “Canada” “How old are you?” It’s obvious in this kind of conversation that you don’t care about who she is, where she is from, you are just talking to talk and are worried the conversation will end.
Get comfortable listening to what she’s said. You don’t need to prepare lots of amazing lines. Not everything needs to sound awesome. But it should at least sound natural.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Max is a daygame coach dedicated to enriching men’s social lives. He has spent the last 3 years coaching daygame in Taiwan, coaching mostly local men how to cultivate confidence and attract women in the daytime. According to him solid inner confidence is the key to getting everything you want from life and women. Check out more of his daygame insights and adventures on daygamereview.com.
These are not for only daygame but for anything basically. By the title I was expecting more specific to approaching women when at work or something.