Eduard Ezeanu is a social confidence coach and runs an online coaching business called Art of Confidence. He has a blog called People Skills Decoded, which he has started in 2009 as a way to share his advice on building people skills with others.
1.) Give us a brief introduction to who you are and your early life.
In high-school and earlier, I was a pretty shy and socially awkward guy. I had a couple of close friends, but talking to new people, and group conversation and all sorts of other social situations intimidated me a lot.
It’s funny because at one point in high-school I was doing debate and public speaking and I could speak in front of 100 people without feeling nervous, but talking one-on-one with a cute girl scared the hell out of me.
Fortunately for me, during that period I also discovered the field of psychology and I fell in love with it. A bit later, in college, while studying for a degree in psychology (which I now have, by the way) and reading personal development books, I learned that there are all sorts of techniques for managing emotions, and I thought I could use some of them to stop being shy and become comfortable with social settings.
Unfortunately, many of these techniques are what I commonly refer to as “self-help hype”. They sound good, they’re pretty popular, but in practice they produce little positive and lasting results. And there is either little rigorous research done on these techniques, or more abundant research but it doesn’t prove them to work well.
So I started getting interested in discovering the real science of building social confidence and social skills; the tools and techniques that are well confirmed. It was a process that took a couple of years, but eventually I had the know-how I needed and, using it, I managed to overcome my shyness, as well as sharpen my social skills.
Later I started coaching others to help them build social confidence and skills, eventually that turned into a full time coaching business, and the rest is history.
2.) People call it “people skills” or “social skills,” is there really a difference in your opinion when comes to skill set necessary to interact with others?
Not really. I use the two terms alternately. I think they basically mean the same thing: a set of skills that help you understand social dynamics and interact with people in ways that create positive outcomes.
I would add though that, in my experience, social success comes from a mix of social skills and social confidence. And a lot of people think they don’t have the relationships they want because they lack social skills, when in fact it’s mainly because they lack social confidence. I often say that you can be amazed how skilled socially you actually are, once you’ve developed your confidence.
3.) From helping other guys, what’s the biggest reason why most folks fail with their people skills?
First of all, a lot of people just don’t take the time to build their social skills. Many of us spend so much time watching TV, playing computer games, surfing the web and conversing with people on Facebook (if you can call it “conversing”), instead of going out there and talking to real people face to face.
Then we hope that one day we’re gonna bump into an attractive member of the opposite sex, make effortless conversation with them, sweep them off their feet and have an amazing romance. It’s just not gonna happen. We need to train our social skills in order to develop them and be able to have a memorable impact on others.
Also, many of us get exposed to all sorts of negative messages as we grow up, and we develop some seriously limiting beliefs, which then make us feel anxious in social settings. And this also affects how well we can perform socially.
For instance I work a lot with guys who are perfectionists and they believe that everything they say in a conversation has to be brilliant; otherwise it’s not worth saying. So they end up not talking too much during conversations, which makes it nearly impossible for them to get noticed or form meaningful relationships with people.
4.) Professionally speaking, how do people skills come to an impact when in the workplace? Do you see a difference with the skills in the workplace and when out in social gathering, say at a bar?
People skills matter a lot in the workplace. Even for the persons in more technical fields, like engineering or computer programming.
Even if you spend a lot of the time at your job working on the computer, you still interact with others sometimes, you still collaborate, and you still go to interviews when you want a better job. So you need to know how to talk to people, how to solve conflicts and how to present yourself. The truth is that the folks who get ahead in the workplace tend not only to be competent professionally, but also very good at dealing with people.
Some of the social skills required in professional settings are very similar with the ones required to chat with someone in a bar or at a party. In both cases it’s important to be able to make informal conversation for instance, or to create a connection with the other person.
Other skills are distinct though. For example, negotiation tends to be a much more relevant people skill in the workplace than in a bar. Although, I could be wrong. 🙂
5.) Now if you can share us one of your best tips or tricks when comes to interacting successfully with other people out in public? The more Jedi-mind trick…the better.
Here’s one tip that I think can make a huge difference in your social interactions: assume that the other person will enjoy talking to you.
Mindset plays a big role in social situations. And this mindset will typically do 2 important things: first of all it will help you feel at ease and be genuine; second of all it will allow you to put your best self out there. You’ll be funnier, wittier, more present and more positive when you assume the other person enjoys the interaction. Interestingly enough, that’s what tends to make people like you most of all.
