Chris MacLeod is a guy in his early thirties from Canada. He’s run the completely free, extensive site on basic social skills www.succeedsocially.com since 2006.
He was shy, lonely, and socially awkward in high school and university and put together to the site to be the guide he wished he had when he was younger.
He bulk of his writing is based on his own observations and research, though he does have a B.A. Honors in Psychology and a Master of Social Work with a focus on counseling, which informs some of his articles.
1.) We all come from similar background…growing up with no friends, being a social-outcast loner or weirdo, being bullied or picked on, staring from the corner-sideline at our high-school crush and all the popular cool kids having the time of their life…wishing we were a part of that. What was your background like for you?
Yeah, that more or less described how it was for me too. I was a shy, timid, loner by nature. All the way through high school, I didn’t have a lot of friends, and definitely didn’t have much of a social life. Or when I did hang out with the couple of friends I had, I certainly wasn’t going to parties or anything like that. I was totally clueless about that world. People considered me weird, nervous, and awkward. I was lucky to not be bullied too badly, but a lot of my classmates definitely did look down on me and made the odd mean comments. It was such a relief when I no longer had to take gym class after the 9th-grade. Up until then, I was the sports-hating uncoordinated kid who got told off by his teammates for blowing the game for them.
University was a bit better in that I was out on my own and no one really noticed or cared if I was awkward. I came out of my shell a little bit and made some friends, but my social life still wasn’t where I wanted it to be. I just didn’t know how to do things like make friends, and spent countless weekends alone wondering what was wrong with me. It was at about 22 or 23 that I really started to get a handle on things. I think I was over the worst of my issues by the time I was 25 or so.
2.) Why do you think people struggle socially? Is it an inner-thing based on fear and social anxiety, or an outer-thing not knowing what to do?
If you mean why do people initially come to struggle socially, I think it’s a combination of factors:
* Some people are born with naturally anxious, cautious, inhibited personalities, and that can come out in social situations.
* Some people are born on the autism spectrum and have built-in difficulties with socializing because of that.
* Other people are born with personality traits that hinder their social skills more indirectly, like they may like spending time alone or be drawn to non-mainstream interests. Neither is inherently had, but can prevent them from racking up as much social knowledge and practice as, say, the kids who were naturally sociable and who wanted to play on sports teams since they were five.
* Many people go through experiences as kids that harm their self-esteem (e.g., abusive parents, getting picked on for being the only brown kid in their class, being overweight, etc), and that lack of confidence and self-worth can get in the way of their social success too.
* Some people just didn’t have good social skills teaching or role-models growing up. Like their parents may have been socially anxious themselves and unintentionally taught their kids how to be fearful and awkward around people. Other kids were luckier and their parents just knew to give them little social skills lessons as they were growing up.
* People can also have their social skills education disrupted, like if they get really sick as a kid, or move around all the time, or emigrate to a new country and have to start from scratch under a new set of cultural rules.
Of course for many socially awkward people, several of the points above factor into their issues.
If you weren’t referring to background and mean what makes people struggle more generally, I think you’re right, it’s a mix of missing certain knowledge, and having issues like shyness, insecurities, and poor self-esteem get in the way. In terms of knowledge, some people just missed out on information most of the population takes for granted. Like personally, I somehow never learned the process of making and had to figure it out myself.
3.) What’s the most important skill to making friends? How is it different or same from people, like you, back in school…TO being in the real world as adult?
I’d say the most important skills is taking the initiative to invite people out, rather than waiting for them to come to you. That includes having a solid grasp on how to organize plans. When you know how to be an organizer, and aren’t afraid to invite people out or play a bit of a numbers game, you can really actively take charge of your social life.
A mistake lonely people can make is they wait for other people to invite them out, then assume no one wants to be friends if they don’t get any offers. Often you need to work a bit to get on people’s radars. Like they’d be happy to hang out, but are living on autopilot and wouldn’t think to do it themselves.
A close second, would be the ‘skill’ of being able to get out there and try new ways to meet people if you have a natural tendency to create a comfortable rut for yourself. Especially if you don’t mind your own company, it’s easy to amuse yourself at home and fall into a limbo where you’re kind of unsatisfied with your social life, but not quite enough to want to leave your apartment and really do anything about it. It’s sometimes hard to tell yourself, “It’s cold out, and I just got a new game to play, and I don’t know if I’ll even meet anyone at this club’s free swing lesson night, but I’m going to go anyways.”
Biggest difference between making friends in school and the real world is that in school you’re effortlessly served up all kinds of potential friends, many of whom you’re going to see again and again so you can take your time in getting to know them.
In the real world, unless you’re lucky to have a job full of cool coworkers, you need to work to create ways to meet people. I find people who are naturally drawn to more social hobbies naturally have an easier time making friends post-university. They’ll join a volleyball team or theatre company they wanted to join anyways and make friends as a side effect. If your interests are more solitary or at home, you need to consciously find ways to put yourself out there to meet people.
Also, in the real world you need to be quicker to seize on opportunities. If you meet someone cool at a party, you may never see them again, so if you want to maybe be friends you better get their contact info that night, and then try to arrange a get together before the contact goes stale.
4.) How would somebody who doesn’t have any friend nor the social skills to thrive in social gatherings make friends and expand his social circles? It’s comparable to a Catch-22, you’re not making friends without the social skills needed, yet not building your social skills without having friends.
I’d say very few people are so socially awkward or off putting that they couldn’t have some friends right now, provided they knew and followed the process of how to make them (e.g., meet people, take initiative to hang out with the ones they get along with). Lots of so-called dorky people have busy social lives. So I suggest they try to meet some people that are similar to them, or who like them despite the fact that they may be a bit shy or socially clumsy.
Once they have a social life they can build from there: They’ll feel more confident and less desperate. They can practice their social skills by interacting with their new friends. Plus it’s easier to make friends when you can go out to places with other people, or be able to organize a bigger get together with your current friends, and then invite new prospects to it as well.
I know when I was younger, I initially resisted doing this. I didn’t totally like myself, so the idea of befriending people who were on my social level and who weren’t ‘cool’ hurt my ego. It meant admitting to myself I wasn’t cool either. I only wanted to be friends with more popular people because I thought that would give me validation.
Pages: 1 2
Such a great post. There were lots of stuffs I could relate to from past struggling with people.